My Heartbeats
I must start this by saying the following. At first I was not going to share this, because I do not want to stir up the emotions of my first love, the one I was in love with when I was a teenager; because she may see this, and I know it will emotionally affect her. However, as I thought about whether or not to share it, I felt that I must for a number of reasons. Even though what I am about to share is still painful and emotional for me and my first love, I believe there are those out there who must know this, that need to know that man have such feelings and feel such pain. My first love, if you are reading this I want you to know that I am sorry for stirring up past pain and emotions. However, I know that because we still and always will love each other, you understand that I had to share this because it was placed on my heart to do so this morning. I have always loved you and will continue to love you throughout eternity.
I have a few loves that are completely detached from physical form. I say that because I am about to share with you, the love I have for a few that is directed at, and felt for the spirit of those I have not been fortunate enough to know in physical form. The first is one that many have experienced, and that is the Love and knowing that I have for the one most call God. I have never knowingly met God, who I call Goddess/God most of the time, as well as many other special names that resonate within my spirit. I cannot say what form Goddess/God has if any, but I Love and know Goddess/God like no other. I could go on and on about this Love alone, but I won’t linger on because I believe that most can understand what I am saying. The next such love is the love I have for my grandmother, my fathers mother. I never got to know her because she made transition before my mother and father knew each other. Nevertheless, I am closer to her than most people that I know and love to this very day. The last one that stimulated these scripted words is my son, the Very Precious Little Spirit that I never got to see or know. I have loved him from the day that I knew he was conceived in the Heaven of my First Loves Glorious and oh so Beauty-Full body. When he left this world upon entering it, I did not think that I could go on any longer; that was the hardest thing I have ever experienced in this lifetime. Because of that, I can somewhat imagine how hard that was for my first love. To this day, I talk to him and wonder what his life would be like if he were here now. I Love You Son!
The thing that stirred up my emotions and led me to share this now, is a dream I had last night. I dreamt that I was remembering him and had shared that with some friends and family, and I broke down emotionally and started crying over his transition. That is when I woke up crying and knew that I had to do something that I have only done once with his mother, and once with one of my sons and my daughter; and that is share how much I Love Him and how that great loss still touches my heart today. I have not talk much about it because it was so painful, and because most do not think that a man feels such emotions over something like this. No I did not carry him in my physical body, but I felt him as close as I did because he is a part of me. I say he is still a part of me because I recognize that he is an eternal spiritual being, that is why to this very day I still talk to him spirit-to-spirit. There are two things that I know never die, one is Love, and two is our Spirit.
Back when my son made transition from this physical world, I talked to no one about it. Now I wish I had talked to the two people that would have understood my pain, and they were my first love and my dad. However, I was so overcome by pain and grief that I went into a shell. That distanced me from my love and our relationship eventually ended as I turned to drugs, which was a hell that lasted ten long agonizing years. That was one of the worst ways of dealing with that situation, which I could have ever taken. After coming out of that hell I wanted to reconnect with my love, and I did try; but the time was never right. However, the good thing is this, even though it was many years later I was finally able to tell her how I felt. She is one of the most Loving, Caring, and Beauty-Full people that I have ever known, and I am so grateful to Goddess/God for allowing me to have had the privilege of loving her and sharing the experience of our son together, even though it was such a short time. I remember as if it were yesterday, the first time I placed my hand on her stomach and feeling our son kick, and how I would rest my head on her stomach for the same purpose. I also remember talking to him and all of the plans I had for us as a family. That meant the world to me. Even though I still feel grief over not having him as a part of our lives today, I am so grateful for what we did share.
I now have four children that I love with all of my heart and soul; and my first love has a son that she loves with all of her heart and soul. I call my four children ho are now grown, my Four Heartbeats. Since my children have grown up, my daughter has blessed me with three grandchildren, and my son with one grandchild; so my Four Heartbeats have changed to my Eight Heartbeats. However, in actuality I have a Very Special Heartbeat that preceded them, so I have Nine Extremely Precious Heartbeats, and even though my first child is not here physically, he still gives me life as his sister, brothers, and nieces and nephews do. I Love them all beyond what words can express, because we are one by way of our Eternal Spirit.
I want the world to know that men can, and do love and have emotions just like women; we are not cold unfeeling hard individuals, even though some of us act that way. Most of them that act that way do so because they were never taught that it is natural to have such emotions, and we should show and share them. I was blessed beyond measure to have a father that taught me that a real man expresses his feelings in all ways. He taught me that a real man cries and is not ashamed to do so. The thing that impressed me the most, was how my dad would always tell me that he loved me and he would kiss me on my forehead and also hug me. My dad was my hero, my role model, and the one I loved and trusted. I wanted to be that to my first son and my four children also. I Love my remaining children more than they will probably ever know, that is because their mother and I did not work out, and we are now divorced. As in many cases of divorce, I ended up being the bad guy, and was unable to turn that image around in their eyes and hearts. There is a grief that is attached to that as well. So I Love them from a distance hoping that what has happened between us does not affect them to the point of affecting their love relationships. I Love all of my children and grandchildren equally, and I will always love them no matter what. I truly believe that one day, all of them will know that without a shadow of doubt.
Well, that is my story about Love and the Nine Heartbeats of my life. I hope that sharing this has done everything it was supposed to do. It has helped me tremendously. I will always miss and Love my first son, and in my fantasy world see him and his sister and brothers being together. However, I know that on the Spiritual Plane, where our Spirits co-exist as we are here in the physical, they are together Loving and Enjoy the presence of each other.
Lastly I must say this to all of my brothers who have problems expressing your true feelings. The very best and most manly thing you can ever do, is truly and openly show your most inner feelings to those you love and care about. Stop imprisoning yourself with fear and doubt, Love Conquers All; and when you share your less than pleasant feelings, Unconditional Love will come to your rescue in due time. I know from many times of experiencing that. Even though I knew better, I experienced doing what you are doing a few times, so I know what it feels like to hold emotions within. I did that the ten years that I was stung out on drugs after my son made transition. I did it again almost to the point of death after my family broke up and my ex-wife and I were divorced. Please my brothers; do not torture yourselves any longer. That also goes for all of my Beloved Sisters who are doing the same thing, do not torture yourselves by suppressing your emotions, there is always an angel in some form waiting to assist us all. All we have to do is send out the call by expressing our inner most feelings in a truthful way. We can only get the help we need by asking for it.
To my very First Love, if you have read this I hope that it did not stir up too much emotion within you. I Loved You and I will Always Love and respect you. I will always give due respect to you and your husband. You are very special to me, and your husband is blessed beyond measure, as I am sure he knows. Guess what? You and I are blessed beyond measure because of one very special reason; we were showered with the extreme awesome experience of sharing our very own Special Angel together; Our Beloved Son, who’s Brightly Shining Spirit Is Still With Us In Our Spirits.
One Love, Unconditional For The Whole of Creation!
Baba-Kundi Ma`at-Shambhala
March 7, 2012
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